I have captured you on film
Everyday since I first laid eyes on you
Golden in color and freshly excited to bloom
I found comfort in your scent
A smirk presents more pedals of beauty
Even the days of being bent
As the clouds roll in
You bloom to take in a new breathe
As the redundant reds and oranges
fade to darkness
To where you find your wild ways
The sweetness of spring fades away
With your golden yellows still intact
No more smirks of exposed innocence
Faded away over the season's days
Dormit until the next bloom of His face
To where you find your wild ways
The sweetness of spring fades away
With your golden yellows still intact
No more smirks of exposed innocence
Faded away over the season's days
Dormit until the next bloom of His face
Line 2: “I have capture you on film” should be I have captured, or present tense I capture...?
ReplyDeleteLine 6: I would change smirk to smile, smirk carries the connotation of deviance, where you are trying to convey beauty…?
Line 8: maybe “As the clouds roll in” not rolling…?
Line 10-13: I like how the poem shifts here. However, the first two lines are ambiguous. Can you use the image of spring fading to illustrate the loss of sweetness? Might be stronger that way.
Line 14: No more smiles maybe?
Overall, I think you have successfully shown me a picture of a beautiful person who has changed. You use some very strong images and emotions, while being subtle. I really like this one.
How intriguing you open this poem with a mention of capturing the flower on film – this line stands out to me for a couple reasons. Symbolically, it could be said that the speaker was so afraid to lose the flower that he must hold it captive in film. Another reason this line stands out is because this is the only mention of a non-natural element in the poem – technology in nature. Since it is the only mention, I suggest you come back to it in latter stanzas (or in the last stanza) or remove it because I’m not sure what value it adds to the overall image since there is no other mention of cameras or film. Why did you feel it necessary to put this image/statement in this poem? (I ask a lot of questions! It is my attempt to help you reflect on certain things you’ve written and maybe even help give way to other ideas – remember – I learned how important dialogue is in writing. I just want to be sure you understand my questions are more for you than for me… As such, I don’t want you to think I’m asking because I want you to “prove” something to me. I just want you to think about the purpose you have for each line of your poetry.)
ReplyDeleteI suggest dropping “freshly excited to bloom” to another line to give it emphasis. I really appreciate those words – they are full of sexual energy, actually. When a flower blooms – it is not only showing off its attributes, but it also opens itself up for pollination. The wind could be introduced here, also, hearkening the “wild ways” (flowers blow around in the wind – a wild dance – also contributing to their pollination). Just an idea.
I’m not sure that the expression of the “smirk” is necessary or helpful to the reader. It is hard to see a flower “smirk.”
I like the change in this poem – how you shift seasons from spring to… summer? It doesn’t strike me as a jump to winter (so I hope I’m right lol). What happens to flowers/plants in the summer when they are lacking water (perhaps in this case the water is God??) This might be an interesting image/commentary to integrate, especially with your last line: “Dormant until the next bloom of His face”
Just some thoughts for you to ponder.